A Beautiful End To A Beginning

SIX MONTHS AGO, I was informed that I have not been selected for final stage of civil service examination. It was unexpected result, but I accepted it as gracefully as I could. It had been a story of more than six years. It was a dream that never became a reality. Yet, when the results were declared on 19th December, the question on my mind was : "What's next?"

It was a question that I hadn't faced in earlier setbacks. Year after year, I went about doing my work, preparing for, and re-appearing at, the exam. And year after year I fell short of the final list, one way or the other. In my vision, PLAN B was always absent. Financially supported by my parents, I went about doing my studies. I was dealing with the question - "What's next?" - for the first time in 6.5 years since I stepped out of college in 2012.

The terrain was going to be new, so I was in need of a guide. From family to friends to strangers, I met, called and texted anyone who can have valuable inputs to give on my future course of action. It was a time of uncertainty but I felt somewhat liberated as well. It was an end of a long and arduous journey, but what is more important, I looked ahead to the new life. To remove uncertainty on the new path, I contacted and sought help, wherever I could.

After some discussions and deliberations, there were different options on the table. Broadly, they were MBA, MS or some government exam. The last option was least acceptable because it would amount to step back in life for me as well as my family. So one thing was soon clear - I have to move out of the country for building my future. This, in itself, was going to be a major change as for all these years working in public service was my sole dream.

Between MBA and MS, the selection was difficult. At that time, I wasn't allowing myself to believe that I can go back to the field I left seven years ago. Another factor weighing against MS was, what I will call, 'ego factor' - How can I now be behind those in a field who were once my peers? It is amazing how narrow mind becomes sometime. But in this case, I was definitely thinking with a retarded vision. Thankfully, my mind was restored to normality by one relative and a friend.

Both had the track record of academic and professional success. There was no reason to believe my own irrationality over their wisdom. Their question was straight forward : Why do you think you can't go back to the field of computer science ? It's as open to you as it has ever been. And with my proven commitment in civil service exam, I should think positively about taking up a newer field. Thus, I was convinced by early January,2019 that MS (computer science) is what I should be doing.

With goal-setting out of my way, I was now supposed to be implementing the means towards those ends. The constraining factor was time. It was now almost mid of January. I hadn't even taken GRE or TOEFL, and deadlines for universities had already passed or was passing away very quickly. One thing was clear - getting into a good university in fall session was going to be exceedingly difficult. Yet, with push from my friend and family, I decided to go with full force to claim a seat in one of these university.

GRE and TOEFL became my first targets. I fixed 18th Feb for GRE exam and devoted 25-27 days for its preparation. I had only one shot at these exams and I had to get the best if I wanted to get into one of the top university in fall session. Therefore, I kept my strategy as simple and effective as it can be. For quantitative section, I completed Manhattan 5 lb + ETS books multiple times. For verbal section, I read and re-read Word Power Made Easy + ETS books. To these I added Power Prep tests where I scored - 325 and 334.

By the day of my exam, I was targeting 330+. I had to, to compensate for the gap years - such was my thought. I was getting 164 in verbal section in tests - which seemed to have boosted my morale. However, final results didn't see the expected outcome. I scored 324 with 166(Quant) and 158(Verbal). I was a bit unhappy because my efficiency dropped due to lack of sleep on previous night. But I was told I have done well enough. So I moved on.

Everything I was doing was without any deep research. I didn't even had a clue about what is good and bad scores. If my friends in US told me it is fine, I accepted. If they told me to study something, I did it. There was no time to engage in trial and error, and then learn from one's own mistakes. I simply didn't had the luxury of time and age with me. Every mistake will cost time and, unlike others, I couldn't afford it.

But mistakes do happen. One of them was not scheduling TOEFL well in time for 23rd February. Delay meant that seats weren't available at Chandigarh center for that day. Next  available date was 8th March, so I booked that.  Despite having been cautioned by a friend, I delayed, and then regretted, as my schedule slipped behind 15 more days. And with it, the chance to get a better university as well as Fall admission. I prepared from ETS books for less than a day and then took the TOEFL test on 8th March. Score was 107.

Things only got complicated after this. Now I had to get three items in order - curriculum vitae, statement of purpose, and most importantly, letters of recommendation. The difficulty in developing or arranging these items lay in the zero relevant work experience, 7 gap years, knowledge deficiency, and non-existing links with professors. It was paralyzing at some level. Overall, I didn't found writing CV and SOP a big challenge. I was adept at writing essays and SOP seemed like a autobiographical essay. After multiple reiteration, and after taking cues from SOPs of others, I was able to write a coherent essay. I brought the CV in line with my SOP to keep the story consistent.

Most challenging task I faced during pre admit process was getting letters of recommendation. I wanted to get the best professors to recommend me. But I had nothing to bank on for that, except course grades and humanistic grounds. I had no personal links left with any of them(Not that I was interacting closely with them during college days.) And this was a learning outcome from LOR experience - talk to your teachers and keep them updated about your life. Since then, I have started to keep them updated - admits, visa etc.

I wrote to about 25 professors, including previous directors of my university. Many didn't responded, some rejected the request out rightly, a couple of them backed out at the last moment. But there were 5 of them who not only gave LOR but also supported me with words. I still appreciate that help. Lesson hidden here was that you have to ask for help and you will receive it finally from somewhere, especially from your teachers. They did their job and I promised them I will try to utilize the opportunity they are helping me get.

Final task was to select the universities. I applied to 8 universities on 22nd March and for most of them deadlines had either crossed or was on verge of passing. I wrote to many universities asking if I could still apply after deadline. Two of them that said yes were University of Florida and SUNY Buffalo. They became my first two preferences but problem was that I had the least chance to be admitted here. Not just because they were better ranked, but more importantly, I applied to them more than one month after their deadlines.

As expected, rejects started pouring within 10 days. By 20th April, I had only one admit from the least preferred university I applied to. I had pretty much resigned to the fate of going to that university by that time. I was mentally preparing myself for the lonely battle that I'll have to wage as I make my way back to the top where my friends are now. Basically, I thought that I am suited to better universities than the one I was going to go. And I had to go as I couldn't really sit and wait for spring 2020 session. I simply didn't had the luxury of time now.

This all changed on 23rd April when I received the admit from University of Florida. Suddenly, everything was bright once again. I felt as if I just struck a gold mine after a long dark cave. This admit came after some drama. On 19th April, I checked for application status. To my utter shock, it said that I haven't sent my degree certificate. I wrote to Florida admin about the issue, and I was told that I have been given admit but I need to submit the degree certificate. When I read that message, I had to reconfirm from Kristina whether she just said that I have been given admit. After receiving a positive reply, I went into frenzy mode. I started waiting for mornings to write to Kristina and seek my status. And finally, one day, I got that admit and suddenly the doors, that seemed closed shut, opened themselves.

Once I had admit in hand, I went about as fast as I could. I found the UFL groups, joined them, and started writing messages to people for seeking out directions. What is immunization? Which vaccines? What is CFR? Where can I find this or that ? I have learnt the lesson earlier that one should ask for help without hesitation, whether you get any response or not isn't in your hands. But you do the deed you are required to do. Not just that, I chipped in by adding new value to the groups by helping others as well. I wanted to be part of the collective human effort at display.

Post admit phase passed without much problem as I had taken care of I-20, housing and financials. The only remaining barrier that I now had was Visa. The more I read the visa interviews, the more I realized that it was not going to be an easy task. My case was peculiar - No relevant work ex, 7 years gap, competing in an exam unrelated to my masters field, and so on. No one that I have met since then had the similar condition as me. Even though people termed visa process as "easy", I was skeptic about whether it will be same for me.

In my pre visa preparations, I tried to take extra care of not doing or saying anything that will leave an iota of space for my rejection. Firstly, I decided on a basic principle : I am going to say everything honestly. Forget lying, I will not even hide anything. Truth will be touchstone for every answer I will give to any question. Some tricky questions like "what are your plans after graduation" will be dealt with straight answer like "I will take the opportunity provided in OPT program and gain practical experience in US". I didn't wanted to add new problems by lying/hiding to an already complex situation.

My visa interview date was 21st June. I had reached Delhi on night of 19th and lodged myself into Guru Harkrishan Yatra Niwas at Gurudwara Bangla Sahib. The place was at walking distance from Shivaji Stadium Metro Station and 10-15 minutes drive to US Embassy. What is more important Gurudwara was buzzing with activity and people. Except when I had to meet a friend or eat Langar or visit temple, I was staying inside my room, rehearsing the answers to the questions I had prepared. To avoid the mistake that I made in GRE, I slept very early and had a sound sleep before facing US bureaucrats next day.

I will now turn to what transpired in the visa interview. I will try to be as precise as I can be about it. I had carried all the documents that I can take with me. The only documents that I actually presented was I-20 and passport. But visa interview itself became a bit trickier than what I had anticipated.

Visa Official(VO) : "Good morning."

Me : "Good morning." while placing my file on the counter and slipping in I-20 & passport

VO : "Which University?"

ME : "University of Florida at Gainsville."

VO : "What admits did you had ?"

ME : "I applied to 8 universities, including University of Florida. I had 3 admits.."(interjects)

VO : "What are those admits?" (I immediately realized that I digressed in previous question - it happened because I was rehearsing answers in a sequential order before Interview)

ME : "University of Florida, University of Texas(at Arlington), and State University of New York(Binghamton)"

VO : (She didn't understand the last name) "Which one ?"

ME : "Binghamton"

VO : (Making expressions of being confused) "??"

ME : "Binghamton university."

VO : "Oh okay. So why did you preferred your university over others ?"

ME : "University of Florida is one of the top 10 public universities in US. Also it ranks 35th in national universities of US. Plus, I had friends who studied from this university and gave me positive feedback." (Rehearsed answer)

VO : "What is your bachelors degree in ?"

ME : "Computer science and engineering."

VO : "When did you completed that ?"

ME : "2012"

VO : (the question for which I rehearsed the most) "What have you been doing since then ?"

ME : (took a slightly longer breath) "So I always had two visions in what I wanted to do in life. One is to become good software engineer. Another was to be a public servant... as officer in government of India. So after bachelors, I competed in annual national civil service examination."

VO : "Soo..."(moving her eyes from computer to me)"...you gave 4 attempts in 4 years ?"

ME : "No, six attempts in six years."

VO : (She raised her eyebrows and made her lips do a silent "wow/whoa" - I was very familiar to that reaction already) "Ohh..okay."

VO : (Took a couple of seconds) "So what was your course in bachelors ?"

ME : (I had told already) "Computer Science and Engineering."

VO : "What course are your going for in masters?"

ME : "Computer science"

VO : "What do you want to specialize in ?"

ME : (Only answer I hadn't prepared - I had thought "computer science" would suffice)"I want to basically become software developer. I want to take courses relevant to that - Algorithms, Programming, ...."(I stopped after this.)

VO : "So during this period after 2012, you were only studying or did you work ?"

ME : "The exam requires full time commitment and studying. So I only studied."

VO : (Slight nodding) "How are you going to fund ?"

ME : "I have two sources of funding - collateral loan from State Bank of India of 40 lakhs. And another is my father & grandfather with savings over XYZ,ABC dollars."

VO : "Is your collateral a liquid asset ?"

ME : "Yes, fixed deposit of XY lakhs."

VO : "Is this loan disbursed ?"

ME : (I know that 'sanction' and 'disburse' are different concepts. But I went along with how people responded to such questions - without applying my own brain) "Yes, it is sanctioned."

VO : (Now she created an environment where I felt[unreasonably] that my finances are not in order) "So, it is not disbursed ?"

ME : (I was at defensive back foot now) "I have signed all the documents. The bank signed all the documents. I have all of them with me...(pointing to my overloaded folder)"

VO : "Disbursement means that you have the money with you."

ME : "No, I don't have the money with me. Bank will directly pay tuition fees to university when the semester begins. So, disbursement will happen in August when it is the time."

VO : (slightly nods and looks away and types and then back to me) "What do your father do ?"

ME : "He works as senior accounts officer in a public sector enterprise."

VO : "What does that mean ?"

ME : "Emm..you didn't understand designation?...(kept looking at me) or public sector enterprise?"

VO : "Yes"

ME : "He works in ABC." (said the name of the organization in two different ways)

VO : "What is his income?"

ME : "He has income from two sources - salary and agricultural income. Salary is XY lakhs and agri-income is AB lakhs."

VO : "Do your mother also work ?"

ME : "She is primarily a homemaker. But she earns dividends from the shares she has in trading business that my grandfather runs. So she earns also. I have the documents with me."

VO : "Do you any sibling ?"

ME : "I have a sister.."(interjects)

VO : "elder sister ?"

ME : "Yes, she is permanent resident of US. My brother in law is an american citizen."

VO : "What do they do ?"

ME : "They run their own businesses in New York City."

VO : (takes couple of seconds) "I am approving your visa. Collect your passport within a week."

ME : "Thank you." (Took me folder and started walking).

---As I reached Exit gate, someone shouted at me from behind, and said that I am being called back---

ME : (I walked back to the visa counter again.) VO : "We need to verify your identity. (takes a second) Keep your left fingers on the machine."

ME : (I took off the lid from the machine and placed my fingers on it and kept looking at her)

VO : (Tallied it in her computer and looking towards me..) "Okay, thank you."(And smiles for first time)

ME : (I nodded and left.)

The end.

A look back : I neither planned to, nor tried to, smile during the interview. Smile has no correlation to your confidence. All throughout, I maintained a stoic expressionless face and looked straight into her eyes. She did the same, only looking at computer during the silences. I responded the way the situation demanded. At the fag end of the interview, there was a moment when there was silence and in my head I was "Bas ab. Bahut hogya. Bas kar". At another point during a moment of silence, I experienced a rush of blood to the head. Even during my walk back from exit to visa counter, I had a strange feeling of some anti climax. But, luckily, it didn't happen.

When I started taking baby steps in January, I was told by strangers on FB groups that there is 'no chance' for such a profile and that too for this Fall. I was told to apply to other countries or next year. But whatever you do, don't expect big universities. I feel University of Florida is respectable university(perhaps more than what I should ask for) and in my conversations with soon-to-be peers/friends I find them relatable as well. In the end, university is as good as what you can make out of it.

SIX MONTHS AGO, when I didn't clear the exam for which I prepared for so long, there was this question that dangled in front of me : "What's Next?". Today, six months down the line, I left that world behind me(taking along the lessons with me though) and today I am looking at all the opportunities that await me - provided I work hard and add value to lives of those around me. I may have now got VISA approved and all set to depart to another country. But this is neither the end nor beginning of the end.

It is simply just this : A beautiful end to a beginning.

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